A Busy Head and an Open Heart

There are a lot of times that I feel the thoughts and feelings scratching at the surface trying to find their way out. When I give in and sit down to write or talk, they feel as though they have returned to their locked box hidden deep inside my mind and heart. The words to express what I think and feel become this blurry mess that I can almost visually see as a grey haze inside. I find that the thoughts tend to circle back around to the knowledge that I am not good enough, not now, not ever in the past and nor will I ever be in the future. I think about the deeply and all too familiar feeling of loneliness that lives within me. I think about the loss of self and the sense that I continue to grieve versions of me that I so desperately wish to return to. 

I sit in a chair daily helping others heal, grow and challenge themselves but reality is; I am an undercover hypocrite who pretends that I have faced and conquered my inner battles. I continue to run, hiding behind the false appearance many believe, and masking myself and truth in layers.  

One of the hard parts for me is the other side of my brain that chimes in to argue “but nothing is wrong”. Because really, what actually is wrong? I’m living life and it’s one that no one ever imagined I would have. I made it to an age I convinced myself at one point I would never reach. I’ve navigated life hurdles I was sure was going to take me out in that moment. So why do I continue to sit here with these spiraling thoughts and tangled emotions.


Each night, when I sit there alone with all my swirling thoughts, there’s always that voice that says “you’re just looking for attention” or “stop making things into such a big deal.” I talk myself down and more times than not end the night thinking that the day was another time I didn’t try hard enough. I didn’t stay dedicated enough to the goals I set for myself. 

I let myself down again.

Maybe tomorrow will be different.

Maybe tomorrow I won’t be needy. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll finally believe the mask I present to the world is the reality inside. 

Maybe tomorrow I’ll prove to myself and everyone else that I can be enough in all the ways I believe I am lacking.

So I wake up determined that the day will be different. I’ll stick to the plan. I’ll do better.
Until I find myself repeating the cycle I have been trapped within for as long as I can remember.

I have always hidden behind the lyrics of the songs that reach deep within me and make me feel seen. The ones that make me wonder if there’s someone out there  who experiences the same inner battles.
No matter how famous he is  the world still doesn’t stop to listen to him regardless of how loud he speaks. No matter how well he expresses his inner workings and no matter how deeply he explored himself, he can still write about feeling lost inside, alone, and not knowing where to belong. 

And somehow, hearing someone else put those feelings into words makes me feel a little less alone.
Maybe that is why music has always mattered so much to me. Maybe I have spent so much time believing that my feelings are too much, too needy, too insignificant, or simply not important enough that I learned to borrow someone else’s words to express them. Maybe the songs aren't just something I hide behind. Maybe they're the closest I've come to saying, This is what it feels like inside of me. Can you hear me? 

Maybe being understood doesn’t always begin with having the perfect words. Maybe sometimes it begins with turning the volume up and letting yourself hear what has been trying to get out.


“If anyone tells you a song is important to them, you should turn it up loud, close your eyes, and really listen. Because at the end, you will know that person so much better.”



https://open.spotify.com/track/2rh74erKixxVL5jybdahEd?si=5f1c28f306854d83


https://open.spotify.com/track/6IW6mD0OrfYXXkTgdLBQ83?si=95d704a951b1447a


https://open.spotify.com/track/2DPI5lHpb0wmjaL222fPdF?si=e4ad19aab0b6433a


https://open.spotify.com/track/1JcIXOir94YUYBt2cXTzn2?si=ecc55969b706448b


https://open.spotify.com/track/1XUlg6YCcns9gsJAB4DoFi?si=955bc28d16a24dda


https://open.spotify.com/track/52DudaVZObvmBgEX6IObHX?si=cbe2da0a63194666

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